Between myself and the powers of darkness

On Terra in this fateful hour
I place all Heaven with its power
the sun with its brightness
the snow with its whiteness
the fire with all the strength it hath
the lightning with its rapid wrath
the winds with their swiftness along their path
the sea with its deepness
the rocks with their steepness
the earth with it starkness
all these I place
With God's almighty help and grace
between myself and the powers of darkness.
- Attributed to St. Patrick

I first read this prayer in a book by Madeline L'Engle - A Swiftly Tilting Planet. (Which is a good book, by the way.) Perhaps just because the book's use of the prayer was so fascinating, it has remained in memory and the last three lines often arise in my mind in times of trouble. Although this particular prayer places God's creation between self and the powers of darkness, I tend to use the same wording, but place Christ's cross there instead. Both are powerful images.

This may sound weird, and in some ways I hesitate to talk about it. But it is necessary background, I think, for the story that I want to tell, and the story is worth telling. For the past few years (perhaps 5 or 6) I have periodically encountered what I can only assume to be demons. It is always at night, at bedtime or when I wake in the night, and they appear as faces - distorted, twisted, evil faces that I swear I could not create in imagination. It doesn't matter if my eyes are opened or closed - they come either way. They are terrifying, although they have become less so as I have learned to recognize them and learned ways to deal with them and make them go away. Sometimes I'll get up and read the Bible for awhile. Always I'll pray, usually asking Gabe to pray with me. It is interesting that just praying "please make them go away" (which is how I originally responded) does not always seem to work. Instead, I have found that a very strong sort of prayer: "Jesus, I place your cross between myself and these evil ones. You are more powerful than they." And then a command: "In the name of Christ, you may not stay here." are more effective. Why, I'm not sure. But it does seem to be so.

Last night as I lay down to sleep, they came. And Gabe and I prayed, and they vanished, and we went to sleep. But later in the night (early morning, actually) I dreamed the most horrific dream that I've ever had. I am confident that it was not just a dream that came from my subconscious, one of those strange compilations of what we've been reading and thinking about. I believe it was sent, and I believe it was from Satan. I won't say too much about it, because it was too awful to subject you to reading. I'll just say that it was SO REAL, like watching a movie only being in it at the same time. It included multiple murders and culminated in me killing the murderer who was trying to kill me. I don't think I'll ever forget it, although I pray that I may. I woke up crying and huddled in bed for quite some time, sort of stuck in the "reality" that I'd been dreaming.

And then I realized that we'd be late for church if I didn't get up. And I realized that it was possible that this was exactly the result that Satan wanted. So I got up and hurried, again asking God to remove the experience from my mind and heart.

We were late to church, but not by much. Gabe took Jonathan over to his preschool class while I carried Thomas into the church. I walked in, juggling purse, baby, and bag, took a bulletin and walked to the pew we usually sit in. Then I looked up at the crucifix in the front of the room, as is my habit while genuflecting before entering the pew. In that instant, I suddenly felt safe. Not just comfortable, but safe from all harm and evil. It felt like a warm blanket, fresh from the dryer, being wrapped around me. Like my dad used to do sometimes when I was little - just wrap me up in a bear hug. It felt physical. It felt real.

And you know what? It was real. Most of the time I don't experience God in such a physical, felt manner. But I think that He gives us the comfort that we need in the way that we need it, and this morning, well, I needed that.

God is real. Satan is real. I don't know why God allows Satan to try to harm me in this way. What I do know is that I can choose to place Jesus, his cross and his creation, by God's almighty help and grace, between myself and the powers of darkness.