Monday, October 01, 2007

Clarity


This morning Thomas took a nap and Jonathan had a quiet time at the same time. I took a shower and had a long conversation with God - showers are the best for that because it is quiet.

Anyway, one of the things we talked about was the fact that I've been feeling ill-equipped to mother more children...I feel like I'm barely hanging on with the two I have and I'm very afraid of not being a good mom if I have more kids. So I told God this and said "so if you want me to have more kids, then please, you'll need to help me be more patient and less selfish." (How I hate besetting sins. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever kill those two.)

But maybe I will, with his help.

The rest of the day I felt like I'd taken off a pair of dark glasses that I didn't know I was wearing. I saw my children with fresh eyes and was overwhelmed with how very much I love them and how glad I am that they are mine. I held Thomas and basked in the sweetness of his smile, and I held him and was grateful that his tears meant that he wanted me. I enjoyed Jonathan's energy and excitement as we played "baseball, Mommy, baseball!" (he held the bat and I tried to hit it with the ball) and snuggled him close when he asked for a "big hug an' a big kiss" at nap time.

I looked at my children today and I saw them as the precious, perfect, irreplaceable gifts that they are. I looked at them and considered another child and dreamed of another little person who could smile at me and cry for me and hold on tight.

I'm not ready for another baby yet. But with God's help I think perhaps I'll get there.

2 comments:

Christopher said...

Hey Em!
You have two really neat kids!
And I think you are doing a great job with them!! :)

Go for it!! I'd love a couple more niefews!!

Christopher

Dy said...

Emily, I know I've been horrible about leaving comments. And this month I've been horrible about letting people even know I'm alive. But I just came on to get caught up -- and I may not get past this first post, but I *had* to leave you a note.

You know we're expecting Baby#5 in the Spring, right? And we are all so excited about it. I think that's been pretty clear all along. Well, would it surprise you to know that one time James said (back when we only had James and John), "Four is the perfect size for our family, because five would make Mommy cry." Oh, how I laughed at the observant wisdom of a two-year-old.

He was right. Mothering two children was, hands down, the most difficult thing I have *ever* done. Ever. And I, looking back, wasn't very good at it. Oh, I was riddled with fears, short on patience, full up with exhaustion and constantly overwhelmed. I cried a lot. And when we found out Smidge was on the way, I spent two weeks hyperventilating and having, for the first time in my life, panic attacks.

But you know... you get the hang of it. You learn. You and your husband learn together. You learn from each other, from your children, from the wonderful women who've gone the path ahead of you. And slowly, you realize, "I'm going to be okay. I'm not going to botch this horribly. God wouldn't give me these beautiful children if He didn't also intend for me to make use of the resources He's put in front of me. WHAT a blessed life I have!"

It's humbling. It's filling. It's amazing. And even in my most self-centered, less-than-stellar parenting times, love has covered a multitude of shortcomings. That same child who once said more than two children would "make mommy cry" now says "we need at least three more! Maybe a dozen!"

All this to say, you're asking the right questions. It'll be okay.

{{hugs}}
Dy