Monday, October 01, 2007
This morning Thomas took a nap and Jonathan had a quiet time at the same time. I took a shower and had a long conversation with God - showers are the best for that because it is quiet.
Anyway, one of the things we talked about was the fact that I've been feeling ill-equipped to mother more children...I feel like I'm barely hanging on with the two I have and I'm very afraid of not being a good mom if I have more kids. So I told God this and said "so if you want me to have more kids, then please, you'll need to help me be more patient and less selfish." (How I hate besetting sins. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever kill those two.)
But maybe I will, with his help.
The rest of the day I felt like I'd taken off a pair of dark glasses that I didn't know I was wearing. I saw my children with fresh eyes and was overwhelmed with how very much I love them and how glad I am that they are mine. I held Thomas and basked in the sweetness of his smile, and I held him and was grateful that his tears meant that he wanted me. I enjoyed Jonathan's energy and excitement as we played "baseball, Mommy, baseball!" (he held the bat and I tried to hit it with the ball) and snuggled him close when he asked for a "big hug an' a big kiss" at nap time.
I looked at my children today and I saw them as the precious, perfect, irreplaceable gifts that they are. I looked at them and considered another child and dreamed of another little person who could smile at me and cry for me and hold on tight.
I'm not ready for another baby yet. But with God's help I think perhaps I'll get there.