On the other hand, I've now had two truly
Gabe and I have talked about it extensively. He has been pro-home-birth the whole time, although absolutely willing to let me choose the hospital if that was where I'd feel more comfortable. I have oscillated back and forth many times.
Last week I went to a two hour appointment with an obstetrician. I had high hopes for being able to work with this group of doctors, because I'd had a fantastic encounter with another doctor in their group. Unfortunately, he isn't doing OB care right now, and apparently the other doctors in the group don't all share his views. I walked away from the appointment realizing that I just don't think like these people. And I don't think that I can think like these people. And we are not going to be able to work together.
They consider birth to be a disaster just waiting to happen. So the concept of walking around during labor after my water breaks? Not remotely a possibility. Never mind the fact that this eases and speeds up labor. You have to be on a monitor so that every blip in the baby's heart rate (often caused by, oh, the mother lying on her back!) can be analyzed and worried over. If lying down causes labor to stop progressing, well, they'll be happy to speed things up with Pitocin (never mind that the use of Pitocin makes the risk of uterine rupture in a VBAC labor 4-7 times more likely). There is always the operating room down the hall if that happens.
The fact is that we just aren't ever going to see birth the same way. What I think is reasonable, doctors think is dangerous. What I think is dangerous, doctors see as "managing labor". Such a relationship can't work.
So I called Sue (our midwife). I should have called Sue first, because after a twenty minute conversation I went from being worried to feeling the return of confidence. I'd forgotten how good she is at helping you remember to be confident! The fact is that I've already had a successful VBAC, under seriously less-than-ideal circumstances. I'm considered the very best candidate for another successful VBAC - even obstetricians agree on that. All the reasons why we previously chose home birth and believed it to be the safest and best option are still true. And my body has delivered a baby now, so it knows what it is doing now. The likelihood of a repeat of my last labor is very, very slim.
I'm going to be ok. This baby will come out, and it will be ok. I'm going to spend the next five or six months working on believing that it will not only be ok, it will be beautiful and joyous and good. Hard, yes. But good.
I can do this. I can.