Jonathan is just starting to get old enough and active enough and "know what he wants when he wants it!" enough to make me start really thinking/considering parenting styles, particularly in the realm of discipline. And I’d love some discussion and ideas.
First, does anyone have experience with the writings of some of the parenting/discipline gurus (particulary Ezzo, Pearl, Lessin, Tripp, and Dobson)? Have you read any of their literature, and if so, what did you think of it? These are the five whom I have heard/read most strongly criticized, but I know that my own parents found Dobson’s writings quite helpful, and I think I remember seeing a Tripp book at home too. Thoughts? What other authors might you recommend instead?
Second, what do you think of attachment parenting? I know that is totally a broad question, but I’m really curious. Do you think it’s a great idea, or sort of weird? Are there specific aspects you like or dislike?
Third, (and this is kind of where I’m going with all this), what about physical discipline? For little ones – hand slaps or no? What do you think the pros and cons are for either choice? At what point (age, understanding, etc.) do you think it might be appropriate? For older ones – spankings? Why or why not? As a child gets older, do you think modesty concerns could be an issue? At what age? Also, do you have ideas on discipline in general – time outs, loss of toys if misused, etc.? What do you think would be effective and why?
I should say that I haven’t read much on the subject yet. There is so much out there, and the reviews are so mixed that I thought I’d see what friends have to say on the subject before I dove into the sea of literature. I have read Babywise, and found it awful, so anytime I read a review on amazon that associates a book with the Ezzos, I get concerned. However, some reviewers say that Dobson’s ideas are in the same category, and that leaves me a bit confused.
I lean toward attachment parenting in general (there are always exceptions, of course, but generally!) But most AP people don’t agree with spanking as a form of discipline, and I grew up thinking that spankings were just a normal part of Christian discipline. Part of my head thinks that I’m a bit crazy even to question this…but part of me is really drawn to alternative ideas and worries that perhaps “spare the rod, spoil the child” has developed from a faulty understanding of scripture. It’s just an idea, but if Christ came to show us so much grace, oughtn’t we to show grace to our children as well? And I’m not sure grace-filled parenting is as punitive as many think.
Please understand that I do not currently have a “position” on this at the time. I’m looking for as many thoughts, book suggestions, ideas, etc. that I can get. And I figure that this might be a good place to start, since I know and respect most of you who read my blog. (Heehee, now you can all wonder who I know and don’t respect.) j/k!
7 comments:
Em,
I too have not read these books. I don't have kids either, but I have done a great deal of nanny work and babysitting. Anyhow, the children I've seen that were never spanked and only disciplined by time-outs or toys removed, were, without exception, poorly behaved (as were the children who weren't disciplined at all). They were selfish, rude and distructive. They also seemed very insecure. And all of them came from good Christian families and had loving parents.
The children I've worked with that were disciplined following a rubric with definite punishments laid out for definite infractions were the best behaved. These children were all given a combination of spankings, time-outs, and lost toys or privileges. These children weren't perfect, none are, but they were, on the whole, easier to manage and responded to instructions quickly to avoid any further correction.
I remember, about age 14 or 15, coming home from a family of the first sort and thanking my mom for spanking me. I truly believe that her discipline of me helped me learn to discipline myself. I think that my parent's choice of a rubric:
3 swats for disobediance, distructiveness or (defiance, I think)
6 swats for dishonesty
was not only fair, but my sister and I knew what was expected of us and how to avoid punishment. As we got older, the punishments changed--sometimes we lost privileges of various sorts.
All in all, I'd say my parents did the best they knew how to do and in many ways, I expect, Bill and I will follow their example.
becca
OK, I started writing something, but it is already very long... I think I'll probably email it to you when I'm done.
BTW, on your last point, you might want to take a look at http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/
*L* Amber, that's actually the site that I was looking at this morning! I tried to register with them so I could read their message boards, but they sent me this huge long "application" that looks more like a college application, and I didn't have anything like the time to do it. Have you? Is it worthwhile?
Hmm... this is a rare instance in which I disagree with the illustrious sprite of fun. I've known many children who were parented using the new, fad "supernanny" approach that ended up being quite well-adjusted. The idea of consequences for actions don't always have to be connected with pain in order for them to be effective, they just have to be immediate, consistent, significantly important to the child, and explained (as best you can to a small child!). Now for some children (like myself - apparently the only thing Irish about me is my stubborn temper) do need spanking, and that's something I'd say you'd have to work with as you get to know what Jonathan needs. If used at all, though, I think spanking has to be used incredibly sparingly (otherwise it loses its meaning) and even if it would be beneficial for the child, should never be done if the parent does it out of frustration or anger. That sends mixed signals that confuse the child and negate the purpose of the spanking.
Maybe I wasn't clear enough. I do agree with Lindsay. It's simply that if punishments aren't enough to get the children's attention and to make it clear that they may not perform that action, then they aren't a punishment at all.
In my parents' defense, we were never spanked in anger or frustration and we were spanked sparingly. They'd always make sure we knew exactly why we were being spanked (we had to explain our offense) and we would be reassured that our parents loved us.
becca
Oh, I don't doubt the parent Jewells were the best disciplinarians (we've had this conversation many times and I have great respect for your upbringing!). I just begged to differ with the idea that if you don't spank a kid he will grow up to be ornery. :)
hey sorry, the comment i put o n"overcoming neatness, was supposed to go here, clicked the button i nthe wrong spot. :(
~Abbey
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