Friday, May 15, 2009


I've been grumpy and overwhelmed and tired and irritable and GRUMPY lately. I keep thinking "if I could just have a couple of days off..." Of course, I'm grumpy enough at the moment to follow that up with the thought: "but then I'd have to come back and nothing will have changed..."

Like I said, grumpy.

I think that some of it is frustration and sadness over the state of our church, and worry worry worry about what we (my husband and I) will do about it.

Some of it is the fact that Josiah is teething, I think (?) and nurses better at night than during the day. Which means I'm frustrated during the day trying to get a screaming angry baby to nurse even though he doesn't seem to want to, and frustrated at night trying to get some sleep with a child who'd like to nurse three times in four hours.

And I'm just a smidge afraid that I'm pregnant. Not that there is any good reason why I should be, just that I've never NOT been pregnant for this long between children before, and I have just enough possible symptoms (that could also simply be due to the not sleeping happening around here) to wreak havoc with my head.

Also, the book that I'm trying to read? That stupid author keeps killing my favorite characters. How much worse can it get? ;)

Underneath all of that is the fact of my three children, who I love so very much and who I often wish would just. be. quiet. Even quiet time and bedtime aren't particularly quiet right now because we're allowing the boys to get up to use the potty (Thomas is just starting training, mostly on his own initiative) which means that I have to get up and help them, and it is a ten minute production every time.

Two days ago the chaos of screaming baby, crying toddler, and angry preschooler reduced me to tears in the middle of floor. Which didn't help, of course.

Today I'm just kind of sick of it all. Even things I usually like to do seem dull and gray and unappealing.

I know, somewhere in my head, that this IS all in my head. And that it will get better. But I'm having a very hard time believing it with the rest of me - which is the part that has to keep changing diapers and coloring pictures and doing laundry and reading stories. So I think I need some encouragement and some ideas to pull myself our of this slough of despond. Comments, please?


Amie said...

I'll be praying for you dear friend. My thoughts are to...

Pray for God's grace
Buy a $1 pregnancy test to get it off your mind :-) and
pray some more

(oh and ask Gabe if you can have a few hours for a nap this weekend...those do wonders for my grumpiest of days (along with prayer)


Becks said...

Emily, it's ok to take a day off (because it sounds like you really need one!). Tomorrow is Saturday, just leave the kids with your husband and go have some "you" time. Get a cup of coffee, go to the library or the bookstore, go to a movie, get a pedicure, whatever. Have some grown up time away from you job of being a mom. EVERY other job on the planet has breaks, weekends, and vacations. One afternoon to yourself is hardly asking a lot.

I only have ONE baby, and sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind with the monotony of it. Sometimes I just have to leave the baby with Nate and do something else, ANYTHING else, just to be rejuvenated. Honestly, I thjink it helps me be a better mom because I'm not worn so thin.

Cowen Family said...

I really do not have any encouragement other than to say, you are NOT alone and at times, that may just be enough:)
Praying for you! Hannah

betsy said...

Dear Em, how well I remember those gray days of toddler-hood that were just colored by the fog of fatigue. But take heart dear lady - you are a great mom, and your kids will grow up to be men of faith like their dad! and some day you will be in grandma-hood, which is a REWARD for all those toddler years, and a rich generative time full of the Lord's favor! with my prayers, Betsy

Bethany said...

I'll pray for you too. You're not alone in your frustrations and discouragment.

And I agree with the others--you need some time off! Even a few hours. True, things will be the same when you come back, but you won't be the same, and that's the point.

Laura said...

Hey, Em! Hang in there - keep praying and definitely take a bit of time off. I wish we were there to have the kids over so you could rest a bit! Even though you may come back to a bigger mess, mommy time will really bring you back to some peace. Go to have some coffee in a quiet place and write to God about everything!

Caroline said...

This too shall pass.

Ma Torg said...

I felt the exact same way right before I left on my trip and, yes, circumstances don't change but your attitudes DOES. The same problems are here, but I now have the energy to deal with them and have rediscovered the joy of motherhood. Please get a break. When Edmund was a baby, just he and I went for an overnight trip to a B&B. I didn't have a complete break from mothering but enough of one. It was quiet with just a baby. 1 child seems like nothing compared to 3 and I honestly really enjoyed the one on one time with him. I never really had that before our getaway.

In the meantime, have you tried letting the boys watch a video so that you can sneak in an 'extra' break? I found that really helpful when I was struggling.

Linds said...

I agree with the 'day off' theory.

I also find that when I'm in a slough of despond, even one for legitimate reasons (like you certainly have!), it's usually because I'm focusing on my problems. I find it helps to focus on those who have it off far worse than me, and I find I regain my cheer in trying to help them. Not in a 'oh, I should do more' way, because then it would be just heaping on more guilt, but in a 'oh, Jesus showed me this so I can do something useful.'

I just had that experience, actually - I went to a conference on the modern abolitionist movement this weekend. It was amazing.