For the past few months, Jonathan has had a reasonably regular pattern to his days. If he fussed, it was generally because he was tired or needed to nurse. Usually both happened simultaneously, which was simple – he nursed to sleep and all was well. He had a fussy late afternoon period, but cheered up as soon as Daddy walked through the door.
I don’t think I appreciated that enough. :)
Suddenly its like I have a new son. Jonathan is changing so fast that I feel like I can’t keep up. Heck, I can’t catch up, much less keep up. He’s learning so many new things: to me it’s happening like lightening, but I think he wishes he could figure it all out faster. He gets frustrated so easily now. He’s learned that when Mommy sits down in her desk chair, that means she’s not paying attention to him. Even if he was playing happily right before, the minute I sit down at the computer he’s unhappy. He’s learning the same thing when I’m in the kitchen washing dishes. He’s also learned how to be truly disobedient – sigh.
And while all these milestones are amazing, and I’m so glad to watch him develop and grow, I’m finding parenting him to be really difficult. There isn’t an easy-to-understand pattern anymore. When he fusses, it might be for any number of reasons. His teeth might be bothering him. He might have tried to crawl somewhere and gotten stuck. He might have bonked his head into the wall (sometimes on purpose!) He might need his diaper changed. He might be hungry, but if he is, he might want to nurse or he might not want to nurse, wanting solids instead. He might be tired. He might be overtired, because I have no idea when he ought to be napping. Some days he takes three and some days he takes one. He might be angry because I wouldn’t let him climb up the bookshelves. He might just want to be held (and held and held and held).
What is a mother to do? :)
I called my mom yesterday to say “everything is going wrong (no really, everything is going wrong!) and I don’t think I’m cut out for this mothering business!” Ok, I know that sounds melodramatic, but it’s really how I felt. Mom said that God makes us parents to build character. :) To which I responded: “You always said God gave me parents to build character! I’m all done building character!” Of course, I’m not really. And I think she’s right. God grows us the most in the difficulties, usually. So now I pray that I will learn patience (quickly, please!) :) and creativity, and the ability to love and give and give and give and give…and when I think I have nothing left to give, to give some more. Because God gives to us that way, and it is my job to model His love to my children.
Lord, please continue to build character in me, even when I think I don’t want anymore. Help me to love my son as you love me.