Part of her post today really struck me, and I've found myself pondering it. (You'll see what I mean by "real"):
One thing that I've ignored for a very long time (because it didn't fit the expectations) is that I'm not a naturally gifted mother. I really, really wanted to be. But it's more like I'm a hunting dog who has been retro-fitted to be a lap dog.
Which is to say, a Literature professor who has been retro-fitted to be an at-home mom.
I mean, it works. I do a good job. But damn, most days that shoe just don't fit. It goes all wonky.
This really resonates with me. I think that I am naturally an adequate mother, and with a lot of effort I can be quite a good mother. But I know a young woman (our regular babysitter) who God has seriously gifted for motherhood. She LOVES being with children. Her career choice until she has kids of her own is to babysit and nanny. She is, and will be, amazing! And sometimes I look at her and think "if I'm the mom, how come I can't be like her?" But the thing is, I can't - I'm not made that way. I never liked babysitting, and I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to “play pretend”. Although I love my children with everything in me, mothering them is hard work.
Here’s the thing: choral directing is my “shoe”. I am a really good choral director; I love teaching students to sing and working to blend sounds and find just the right emphasis and phrasing. That shoe fits me perfectly. Motherhood pinches my toes.
And that's ok. I don't regret my choice to stay home with the kids, because there are great joys to be found here. Not to mention God's rather specific instructions! But I find it a little freeing to admit that this isn't just the right shoe.